Virgin Voice: Adult Survivor of Parent-Child Sex Abuse Trauma

I am new to blogging, but what I found and read earlier led me to bring my voice to the Universe. My father sexually abused me and my three older sisters; at age 9, when I saw the devastation his actions caused my oldest sister, who was my hero, I confronted my mother, asking what was she going to do about it; her response was to ask me what I wanted, "for him to go to jail, do you want me to divorce him, we'll be penniless, we'll be scandalized. Is that what you want?"

She wouldn't look at me. She kept her back turned to me. It has taken me almost half a century to accept the truth: that these actions caused severe, lifelong damage, resulting in not only my inability (so far) to earn enough money to pay for my life, but to experience love, true friendship, and the most basic animal function: self-preservation.

(Hers was not IN-action, as I had always told myself -- she made a choice and enacted it.)

Today I am compelled to get out of this house I am in, the house of a "friend," a man who wanted to know me only if he could get sex from me, and at this moment has left me to once again face the truth, that same truth that always manages to surprise me: he is a liar, there is no friendship, no caring, he is the same as the parents that did this injury (this murder) to me.

I read a blog earlier, my first time reading a blog, and the words were so true and so ....BIG, that I knew I am not alone. It just feels that way because I don't KNOW any person yet that is trustworthy. I know there are Real People in this world, I just "saw" them on this blogspot. I know I am not the only person who seeks to dwell in truth, I just "heard" my tribe. They spoke to me, let me know they are where I am.

I deserve love. We all deserve love. We did not do this thing; it was done to us. As much as I have love to give, I know it is there waiting for me...even, like last night, even willing to come find me, like it somehow did through a blog on my computer.

That's real enough for me, to get up from this machine, pick out the items of clothing I will keep, forget about selling the others for money to move, and just get my dog and my instruments and my clothes and my iMac packed in the car, and ...go.

But as I read what I type, as I listen to what I feel, I am not at all convinced this is the right thing to do. It would be, except that I have nowhere to go and not enough money to go anywhere. And it would better help me and my dog if I forced myself to stay, long enough to sell my things, and to find a safe place to go, with enough money to be allowed to be there.

Just because a man has betrayed me, and does not value me, and has no capacity to be a friend, and is not truthful, that does not mean I should go out and harm myself, leaving behind the few things I own, that I can sell for money given another day or two. To do such a thing would expose my dog to danger -- and it would risk my life and well-being. It would be very wrong to devalue myself based on another person's lie and wrongdoing.

I'll have to be strong one more day.

Knowing you all are out there, and that I am needed, I can stay strong a little longer.